Tyrone’s Top Ten: Worst Songs Ever.

Exactly one year ago today, an immense burden was set upon me by the cruel spindly hands of destiny. I was given the task by the forces that be to unleash upon this planet a mixtape of utterly biblical proportions. A mixtape so terrible as to cause the earth to tremble beneath, the oceans to instantly boil, and the skies to open up and call the faithful up to their salvation. The list is as follows. Godspeed sailor.

10. Good Vibrations – Marky Mark.

I know nowadays Mark Wahlberg is supposed to be Mr. Badass I’m from the streets movie star and shit, but in the early 90’s when boy bands roamed the earth, Marky was cultivating a very different image. This song is filled with an interesting combination of vague sexual innuendos and a staunch drug free take on life. Mark feels the need to let you know that his body is healthy, and his rhymes make him wealthy. Also apparently the Funky Bunch helps (he). In the very same song he proclaims how he is Pure Hip Hop®, no sell out. He still saw himself as a Bad Ass from the streets kinda guy, but I guess they were very different streets those days. This must be why this song hit number 1on the Billboard top 100.

That and his mad hip hop skills.

9. Bug a Boo – Destiny’s Child.

Forget the fact that no one has ever in the history of mankind used the term bug a boo before or after this song was released. And forget the fact that Beyonce is really fucking hot, it will only serve to cloud your judgment. This song is about a girl(or ho if you will) being ‘bugged’ by some guy via various electronic methods; Pager(she gon throw it out the window), wired telephone(she gon have the now defunct MCI cut the phone poles and put him on the call block) and email(she gon make AOL have those things stop). To top it off, she don’ even care if the Pope likes the guy. This is why I imagine the antagonist as an Aryan Nazi Superman.

8. Sussudio- Phil Collins.

Music Video

Hey!  I’m a no talent ass clown! I want to write a song! I think I am going to steal the synth from a Prince song! Next, I’m going to pick a nonsensical word my daughter calls her horse and repeat it throughout the entire inane song in the most obnoxious voice I can muster! And then you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to make one of the worst music videos of all time to this song AND as a special bonus I’m going to have Quentin Tarantino appear in it (0.58 in).  Did I mention that this is one of Patrick Batemen’s personal favorite songs?

7.  Who Let the Dogs Out – Baha Men.

This song holds a particularly aggravating spot in my heart. As a person who likes dogs I would just like to reiterate that on the unfortunate occasion that someone does accidentally let the dogs out it will never be productive or fucking funny to “spontaneously” yell out  “Who let the dogs out?” punctuated by an extra irritating  *woof* *woof*. Hey you fucking whore, while you were doing that ever so cute little routine your precious fucking dog just ran out into traffic and got smashed underneath a green Chevy Suburban. I’m glad they finally stopped playing this song at sporting events.

6. Achy Breaky Heart – Billy Ray Cyrus.

Am I the only one that to this day still wishes that someone would tell Billy Ray’s heart about the whole breakup situation so that his fucking heart would blow up and just kill this man already? When Weird Al has already mercilessly bashed a song, you know it is a pile of shit.

5. Ice, Ice Baby – Vanilla Ice.

I think the user TUPACCHAMP said it best with his well written dissection of this song on YouTube.

YO foreclov eat a dicc foo
FUCK YOU
AND THIS ICE CREAM FAGGOT
SUCH A WHITE NERDY VOICE WORST RAP RECORD EVER
FAGZ
DUMB ASS FOOs NOBODY WANTS TOO SEE A VANIILA FAGGOT LIKE HIM
ICE ICE?
MANE YOUZ A CRAZY ASS WHITE BOY
YOU THINK YOU DOPE NAH
THE POPE IS DOPER THAN YOU CUZZ
FUCK YOU.

4. Believe – Cher.

This is the shitty ass song that started it all. It gave the world what is now known as “The Cher Effect”.The Cher Effect is the now famous editing process of using Auto-Tune and setting the pitch correction to a speed that is much faster than the actual audio track. This can result in either an interesting Daft Punk song or a horrifically fucking terrible Kid Rock song. Rumor has it that after Cher had finished recording her album she insisted on using this retarded effect on her voice throughout the entire song because she thought it sounded cool.  I would like to take a moment to say Fuck You Cher for starting a trend almost as annoying as the shitty song you released.

3. The Taliban Song – Toby Keith.

Hmm, what could be wrong with this one. Could it be a mentally retarded redneck country singer singing a narrative about an Afgani who lives in a two-bedroom cave with his towel covered wife? Could it be his envisioning of them sitting together praying to mighty Allah that he will send U.S. jets to drop bombs all over the holy land and rid them of the Taliban so they can hop on their camels and ride off in the sunset together? Or maybe it’s the patriotic 9-11 references and the praising of President Bush’s skilled diplomacy between Iraq and Iran? Lets be both insulting to a culture and pretend like we are their saviors also! I could have potentially had at least 4 Toby Keith songs on this list but I will take the high road on this one. Besides, it’s not nice to pick on the mentally handicapped.

2. Cheeky Song(Touch My Bum) – Cheeky Girls
music video

These two girls are quite possibly the only thing to come out of Transylvania that aren’t fucking awesome. Also setting another unbelievable precedent, these girls are the only two twin sisters in the world that I am not likely to fantasize about having a threesome with. The Cheeky Girls are definitive proof that repeative annoyance in order to achieve name recognition is really not the way to go. This song narrowly avoids the number 1 spot on this list due to the fact they offer up some pretty wise lyrics in this song.

“Come and smile don’t be shy, Touch my bum, this is life.”

If that isn’t absurdist genius I really don’t know what is.

1. My Humps – The Black Eyed Peas.

This song seems to be a rather upbeat story about a young girl triumphing over her severe case of Kyphosis by finding a group of disability fetishists who are so enamored by her lovely lady lump that they will send her expensive purses in exchange for her deformity pictures. She finally meets with some of the fetishists at a disco club and grinds with them. In true internet fashion she at some point decides that if the creepy guys she has been tempting sexually for extended period of time try to touch her hump she will go ahead and start some drama. When you finally figure out that they are in fact not trying to pitch a Disney movie,you start to see why this is the worst song ever.

Know a song that deserves to be on this list?  Let Tyrone know about it.