Jones Octavian Victimized By Brutal Penis Accident

For those who haven’t heard the word ‘fap’ before (some haven’t) it is slang for masturbation.  Like with your genitals.   

So I began a fap session after a long, tiring day and decided to use some lube.  There wasn’t anything great on hand, but I found some conditioner that would fit the bill.  Sweet.  I whipped out Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus (called Augustus from this point on) and tried it out. It was fine, and might even be superior to lotion, the last bastion of teh improvised fap. The problem was it dried out FAST. A couple minutes fast. So I had to re-apply a couple of times.  The third time, disaster struck.  

The bottle had one of those little rocking clicky-valves so a little opening on one side would open and close with a solid and self-sealing click.  As I was closing it, I shifted in my seat and at this point, Augustus decided it would be a good time to reenact one of the Gaul Campaigns, which means he bobbed off in a totally unpredicted direction,  straight towards that closing maw of the bottle.  That little plastic fucker grabbed at part of my head and pinched it, then closed all the way. And it HURT, so reflex kicks in (damn those instincts) I moved the bottle as far away from poor Augustus as fast as possible…the squeamish should stop reading now.  

AND RIPPED AWAY A CHUNK OF MY HEAD WITH IT.  

YES, THE HEAD OF MY PENIS, THE PENIS GLANS.

 YES, BY CHUNK I MEAN I COULD SEE PART OF MY PENIS ATTACHED TO THE BOTTLE THAT WAS NO LONGER ATTACHED TO THE PENIS PROPER.  

For those that didn’t quite get it, or fainted the first time reading it, let me restate it:  

A chunk off the most pain receptive place in my entire body was ripped the fuck off.    

Let me give you a little visual insight into my thought process as this occurred:

1.

 

I think nothing else needs be said here.

2.

 

A penis wrapped in bandages, just like the ibrokemypenis guy.

3.

Surely Nic Cage can help me.

At this point my penis was, in fact, bleeding.  The bit of head skin that was visibly attached to the bottle was also bloody, and clearly absent from the head.  I thought to myself, “I’m sure Nic Cage has intentionally done way worse things to his penis for the sake of method acting. What would he do?”

From the back of my mind, his monotonic and hypnotic voice typical of more his recent (a.k.a. the shitty era) films droned out: “Wash it off and bandage it.”

Thanks Nic Cage, you’re the man.  I owe you one.

 

So the hole in the head wasn’t too large, similar in area to a hard drive jumper header if looked at vertically.  Curious about my prognosis, I looked online and discovered that the glans can totally heal in a matter of hours (don’t leave that piercing out too long!), which makes me question why evolution has withheld these penis powers from every other body part.  I can only conclude that be it nature or God, both are just as likely to draw a penises on everything as humanity is.

Surprisingly, the internet was telling the truth and it completely healed overnight.  Thank god.  However, a word to anyone with a penis:

Be EVER VIGILANT about your penis’ safety.  A mere zipper is all that stands between your second favorite thing in the universe and a harsh, penis-mutilating reality.