Fuck: The United States Bailout Hits 8.6 Trillion

US Government issues every citizen a Jennings 9mm Pistol (only $149.99), one bullet, and a fifth of Gin.  Alcoholics that need more than a fifth to get drunk are trying to get a piece of the bailout, but it doesn’t look good.

I have no idea what the hell is going on.  Here is the bailout in visual terms:

We could build 8 of these fuckers from Contact and still have enough left over to buy a 12-pack of Icelands and populate them entirely with strippers and clones of Carl Sagan.

The worst part is it would result in as much usefulness as the bailout, but we’d have 8 hot tracks of audio static that ought to sell like hotcakes.  They’d better, at a cool trill a track.

As for the actual size of the bailout, while 8.6 Trillion DOES sound like a fuck ton, it really needs to be put in perspective.  The bailout is currently using 13 percent of the entire production capacity of our entire species.  The Human GDP.  That kind of shit really only happens in movies, when some sort of giant rock or fuckever is going to collide with earth and we pool together the resources and ingenuity of humanity as whole to save ourselves.  Except it is usually a lot cheaper than 13%, and we usually don’t bailout GM.  Movies always have an unrealistic standard of human ingenuity.

Honestly, I was never sure if I would ever see economics of this scale in my life time, but when you throw around humanity’s ability to do shit in 2-digit percentages, I figured it would HAVE to be some sort extra-solar colony ship, a jump gate, terraforming mars, transcending physical form…the list goes on. The least 8.6 Tril should get us is a toaster that fucking works. Imagine if we decided to spend the 8.6 trillion as a grant to medical research.  We’d cure every form of cancer, all terminal illnesses, rape aids and even be able to distill the female orgasm to a single, elegant equation. All this before the turkey is done.  Black friday will still suck though.  

But instead, we’re giving it to a bunch of bullshit fronts so they can zerg up the phat bonuses.  Oh, and they’ll leave a little behind so their business doesn’t die and cause a global economic crash. Yes, I’m looking at you, Citibank.  

This is silly.  The numbers are too big, none of the people making these decisions have any idea what they’re doing at this scale.  No one does, because this shit is unheard of.  A sensible leader would say, “over half our GDP? lol” and just nationalize these fuckers and sort it out later.  Why don’t we just force them to renegotiate all debt to be paid back at 0% interest? It will probably average out to something reasonable and it will actually get paid back, instead of dropping 300 Billion on the home protection fund, whatever the fuck that does.  Oh, and why can’t we seize funds received through ‘bonuses’? A bonus is a reward given to someone who excels at their occupation.  Someone who excels at destroying the economy and their own bank, then steals a much larger bonus are either highly amoral or lack certain human abilities, like the ability to recognize shapes.  We should punish them with forced play of monopoly in solitary confinement for the rest of their natural life, but the bank refuses to deal out the bills to start the game.  As artificial life extenders become available, we may be able to prolong the hell even further.  But I digress.  Everyone in Washington seems to really want to move money around in several steps to insure it goes back into the hands of those who have proven their incompetence.  It just seems easier to treat the problem, that being loan sharking through bait and switch, then giving people money to pay back the loan shark.

Whatever, it all just creating all the credit and debt you want, it’s value in that it must be paid back.  The U.S. is certainly a fiat system abuser rather than user, but it’s flexible.  I’ll just wait it out see what Obama’s radically new policies do.  They are totally unprecedented so no one knows what will happen, but he’s a shrewd man.  Let’s see how his plays out.

As a last resort, we can always just fuck the national debt over more.  If people were freaking when it was at 4 tril, I think it can handle a few more totally ridiculous additions before we have to start actively ignoring it.

Jones Octavian Victimized By Brutal Penis Accident

For those who haven’t heard the word ‘fap’ before (some haven’t) it is slang for masturbation.  Like with your genitals.   

So I began a fap session after a long, tiring day and decided to use some lube.  There wasn’t anything great on hand, but I found some conditioner that would fit the bill.  Sweet.  I whipped out Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus (called Augustus from this point on) and tried it out. It was fine, and might even be superior to lotion, the last bastion of teh improvised fap. The problem was it dried out FAST. A couple minutes fast. So I had to re-apply a couple of times.  The third time, disaster struck.  

The bottle had one of those little rocking clicky-valves so a little opening on one side would open and close with a solid and self-sealing click.  As I was closing it, I shifted in my seat and at this point, Augustus decided it would be a good time to reenact one of the Gaul Campaigns, which means he bobbed off in a totally unpredicted direction,  straight towards that closing maw of the bottle.  That little plastic fucker grabbed at part of my head and pinched it, then closed all the way. And it HURT, so reflex kicks in (damn those instincts) I moved the bottle as far away from poor Augustus as fast as possible…the squeamish should stop reading now.  

AND RIPPED AWAY A CHUNK OF MY HEAD WITH IT.  

YES, THE HEAD OF MY PENIS, THE PENIS GLANS.

 YES, BY CHUNK I MEAN I COULD SEE PART OF MY PENIS ATTACHED TO THE BOTTLE THAT WAS NO LONGER ATTACHED TO THE PENIS PROPER.  

For those that didn’t quite get it, or fainted the first time reading it, let me restate it:  

A chunk off the most pain receptive place in my entire body was ripped the fuck off.    

Let me give you a little visual insight into my thought process as this occurred:

1.

 

I think nothing else needs be said here.

2.

 

A penis wrapped in bandages, just like the ibrokemypenis guy.

3.

Surely Nic Cage can help me.

At this point my penis was, in fact, bleeding.  The bit of head skin that was visibly attached to the bottle was also bloody, and clearly absent from the head.  I thought to myself, “I’m sure Nic Cage has intentionally done way worse things to his penis for the sake of method acting. What would he do?”

From the back of my mind, his monotonic and hypnotic voice typical of more his recent (a.k.a. the shitty era) films droned out: “Wash it off and bandage it.”

Thanks Nic Cage, you’re the man.  I owe you one.

 

So the hole in the head wasn’t too large, similar in area to a hard drive jumper header if looked at vertically.  Curious about my prognosis, I looked online and discovered that the glans can totally heal in a matter of hours (don’t leave that piercing out too long!), which makes me question why evolution has withheld these penis powers from every other body part.  I can only conclude that be it nature or God, both are just as likely to draw a penises on everything as humanity is.

Surprisingly, the internet was telling the truth and it completely healed overnight.  Thank god.  However, a word to anyone with a penis:

Be EVER VIGILANT about your penis’ safety.  A mere zipper is all that stands between your second favorite thing in the universe and a harsh, penis-mutilating reality.

Tipping is Bullshit

You know it, I know it, baby jesus knows it, even god damn Mr. Pink knows that tipping is utter fuck.

 
If you were to leave money at an establishment in Japan, the waiter or waitress who discovered it would be severely inconvenienced.  They would quite literally chase after you in a desperate attempt to return the money you mistakingly left on the table.  Money that is surely the only thing keeping your grandmother from being shipped off to the fearsome wasabi mines.  How could a starving serviceperson possibly do such a thing, you ask?  Simple: Their employer actually fucking pays them enough and charges more for the food to make up the losses.  It’s _THAT_  _FUCKING_  _SIMPLE_.

For fuck’s sake, I’m a patron of your business, good service is required without question.  If it’s really bad, I’ll complain to the manager.  If it continues to be bad, I will cease being your patron.  If it ends up being exceptionally good, as in “oh my god, this waiter/waitress hooked me up, I want to give my server some extra cash” good, then sure, I’ll throw some coin their way, and ONLY their way.  None of that splitting with the whole staff clusterfuckery, no subsidizing.  I am NOT responsible for your financial system.  You want me to be your goddamn accountant after every fucking meal?  No.  Add the 20% or whatever the tip bullshit is to your prices and pay your staff properly.  Most countries have a more reasonable system in place, but for whatever reason the U.S. has decided that going retarded is going good.  Hell, I’d stop tipping to fight the system, but then some idiot will just spit in my food instead of growing a pair and taking the blame to the source; their employer.  Better yet, the employers should stop being such giant assholes and upgrade their business model to that of the rest of the first world.

Additionally, paying for shit at restaurants sucks.  Hard.  Every time I have to deal with the check and divide up cash, use a card because someone doesn’t have cash, etc. etc. instead of just waving my RFID-enabled cellphone/wallet/hand over a part of the table, I die a little inside.

In closing, Ho Yu made the point of racially stereotyping black people as cheap.  Unfortunately, this opens her up to racial stereotyping (by me) and I view reduced tipping as just a small step toward balancing out her stereotyped socioeconomic debt.  By that I mean the dozens of traffic accidents she has knowingly or unknowingly caused annually due to being both potently asian and female.  I don’t know of any accidents off hand, but color and gender don’t lie, right everyone?

I’m the Angel Cat, motherfuckers

I've got wings, bitches.

Ho Yu’s Yoda Cat post reminded me of this badass motherfucker. I know that posting anything cat picture related on the internet is risky business, but one can never have too many mutant cat monsters.

It is caused by a mutation that causes vestigial limb structures cats have near their front shoulders to grow into badass fucking wings. It’s rare, but not unheard of, 20 some cats have been confirmed with this mutation, the minimum number to be granted a wikipedia entry by their human overlords. Sadly, while being in no way a hindrance to winged cats, there is no benefit, either. Except that they have fucking wings. If I grew vestigial wings, I’d be stoked.

“Hey, I’m an emissary from God. Wanna fuck?”

contemporary misgivings at the Forefront Crackporn

I noticed today that contemporary misgivings had another crack and porn related search engine referral, “naked crack smoking pictures” in addition to “women fucking and smoking crack”.  This can be attributed Esmé Pestel’s quirk of adding crack smoking to otherwise common porn search terms, which I have since endorsed.

Curious, I went on a general crack smoking and debauchery bender and searched for these terms. Here are the front page results from google:

:

We are doing quite well in the “women fucking and smoking crack” category, controlling both a direct link in the 5th slot and links to posts made exclusively by contemporary misgivings in numéro uno.  So if you want some variety, telling your friends to search for women fucking and smoking crack and hitting “I’m feeling lucky” is a viable alternative to just giving them the name of the blog.

We’re not doing quite as well in general nude crack smoking, but still manage to hit the first page ranking in at #9.  And look at that title; what kind of naked crack smoking enthusiast wouldn’t click the shit out of that?

All I can say is this could mean big things for contemporary misgivings and I applaud Esmé’s uncannily sagacious role in vaulting us to the top of the emerging crackporn genre.

 

Also, I’ve hired a two-man hitman and private eye team to take out the wordpress developer who made pressing the delete key in a fucking text editing box (albeit an empty one) be the same as hitting the back button.  If pressed in a text box, the delete key has business doing only 2 things: deleting shit or nothing at all.

Woman Fucked So Hard She Has a Stroke; Boyfriend Seeks Career in Porn Industry

“But zomgz it was totally worth it!” 

Ah, but I jest.  Strokes are serious business, and an orgasm did cause her stroke, but the 35 year-old was treated soon enough that she dodged all but very minor brain damage. All her symptoms were gone within 12 hours of treatment aside from a sore vag and a little lost dexterity in her left hand which wikipedia tells me should return with time. Sadly, I could find no data on how good the orgasm was, but I suspect it was fucking awesome, the kind where half your body goes numb.  (If find you that offensive, just remember that stroke and joke rhyme for a reason).

Now, I am trying to avoid writing posts that are little more than a reiteration/commentary of some other article (i.e. the “Blogosphere” a.k.a. redundancy, internet flotsam and shitsam repository), but this one was too good to pass up and two things in the article proper caught my attention.

The hilariously ironic part is that the initial symptoms of the stroke (which onset mid-orgasm) were the same as those exhibited by women (at least the ones in porn) during an incredible (or fake) orgasm; namely loud moaning, screaming, inability to speak or slurred speech.   I actually feel kind of bad for the guy – he probably felt proud until he realized what had happened. Then his dick fell off, because that’s what happens when you find out your dick damaged your girlfriend’s brain.

The second part, which is actually pretty fucked up, is that the woman DID suffer minimal brain damage in a situation where it could have been prevented.  The general rule of thumb in a stroke caused by a blood clot (as in the woman’s case) is that once blood flow stops, brain cells start shutting down in about a minute, but it can take several hours before a meaningful number of them start dying.  The stroke occurred 6 hours before she arrived at the hospital.  What the fuck?  How do you fuck up missing stroke symptoms? It doesn’t even matter if you know what they mean, when someone tells you in slurred speech that their shit is going numb, you get the fuck to a hospital.

My guess is either the boyfriend is just straight up stupid or they inexplicably live 6 hours from the nearest hospital.

However, I have a theory.  I think what happened was he misjudged his partner’s symptoms and pegged them not as a result of a stroke, but that he was giving her the best sex of her life.  The woman, due to the confusion caused by parts of her fucking brain fucking shutting the fuck down, was unable to alert him to the seriousness of her condition or that frankly, he could never hope to give her the best sex of her life.  Not until hours of one-sided sex later, as her symptoms worsened to the point that only half of her face was moving, did the boyfriend realize that something far more sinister was up and he should probably get the hell to a hospital.

Read the full story for details on how a heart defect 25% of people have allows for an orgasm or pooping to cause a stroke.  That’s right, shit with fear, my friends. Shit with fear. CBS News

He did to his girlfriend what I want to do to this Snorg Tees model.

More about PETA

Peta as an organization is quite corrupt, and virtually ineffectual at it’s self-proclaimed goals.  Ho Yu made this clear, and presented some good stats I didn’t know about.  Thanks!

The number that is really bugging me is the 30 million USD a year they get in donations.  30 million? Really? REALLY? Are people that fucking stupid?  If you’re reading this, and you’ve ever donated to PETA, you’re an asshole.  And I don’t mean because you didn’t research what a piece of horseshit PETA was as an organization.  What I mean is this:

1. Millions of people die each year who didn’t need to.

2. The cause of these deaths is addressable NOW.  They are caused by diseases that could have been cured by now if medial R&D received enough funding.  There are people starving to death worldwide.  Oh, and let’s not forget my personal favorite: Genocide! Yay!

3. You gave money to help animals instead.

4. You fucking asshole.

 

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  How could giving to a charity stop a genocide?  Well, it can’t, but it sure as hell can make it a hell of a lot less potent than it would be without relief.  And guess what?  There are still genocides happening, still people dying from disease and starvation, and until those problems are SOLVED no one has any business worrying about animals.  We can think about that shit after we’ve solved our own problems.

Except pigs and dolphins.  We must exterminate them, because they’re already getting to smart.  The day they evolve thumbs…*poof* later Humanity.

In closing, I applaud Ho Yu for calling PETA out on their bullshit, and I do believe I will write them a letter too.  Something along the lines of, “in a slightly more intelligent world, you would have been hanged as war-criminals by now.”