Fuck: The United States Bailout Hits 8.6 Trillion

US Government issues every citizen a Jennings 9mm Pistol (only $149.99), one bullet, and a fifth of Gin.  Alcoholics that need more than a fifth to get drunk are trying to get a piece of the bailout, but it doesn’t look good.

I have no idea what the hell is going on.  Here is the bailout in visual terms:

We could build 8 of these fuckers from Contact and still have enough left over to buy a 12-pack of Icelands and populate them entirely with strippers and clones of Carl Sagan.

The worst part is it would result in as much usefulness as the bailout, but we’d have 8 hot tracks of audio static that ought to sell like hotcakes.  They’d better, at a cool trill a track.

As for the actual size of the bailout, while 8.6 Trillion DOES sound like a fuck ton, it really needs to be put in perspective.  The bailout is currently using 13 percent of the entire production capacity of our entire species.  The Human GDP.  That kind of shit really only happens in movies, when some sort of giant rock or fuckever is going to collide with earth and we pool together the resources and ingenuity of humanity as whole to save ourselves.  Except it is usually a lot cheaper than 13%, and we usually don’t bailout GM.  Movies always have an unrealistic standard of human ingenuity.

Honestly, I was never sure if I would ever see economics of this scale in my life time, but when you throw around humanity’s ability to do shit in 2-digit percentages, I figured it would HAVE to be some sort extra-solar colony ship, a jump gate, terraforming mars, transcending physical form…the list goes on. The least 8.6 Tril should get us is a toaster that fucking works. Imagine if we decided to spend the 8.6 trillion as a grant to medical research.  We’d cure every form of cancer, all terminal illnesses, rape aids and even be able to distill the female orgasm to a single, elegant equation. All this before the turkey is done.  Black friday will still suck though.  

But instead, we’re giving it to a bunch of bullshit fronts so they can zerg up the phat bonuses.  Oh, and they’ll leave a little behind so their business doesn’t die and cause a global economic crash. Yes, I’m looking at you, Citibank.  

This is silly.  The numbers are too big, none of the people making these decisions have any idea what they’re doing at this scale.  No one does, because this shit is unheard of.  A sensible leader would say, “over half our GDP? lol” and just nationalize these fuckers and sort it out later.  Why don’t we just force them to renegotiate all debt to be paid back at 0% interest? It will probably average out to something reasonable and it will actually get paid back, instead of dropping 300 Billion on the home protection fund, whatever the fuck that does.  Oh, and why can’t we seize funds received through ‘bonuses’? A bonus is a reward given to someone who excels at their occupation.  Someone who excels at destroying the economy and their own bank, then steals a much larger bonus are either highly amoral or lack certain human abilities, like the ability to recognize shapes.  We should punish them with forced play of monopoly in solitary confinement for the rest of their natural life, but the bank refuses to deal out the bills to start the game.  As artificial life extenders become available, we may be able to prolong the hell even further.  But I digress.  Everyone in Washington seems to really want to move money around in several steps to insure it goes back into the hands of those who have proven their incompetence.  It just seems easier to treat the problem, that being loan sharking through bait and switch, then giving people money to pay back the loan shark.

Whatever, it all just creating all the credit and debt you want, it’s value in that it must be paid back.  The U.S. is certainly a fiat system abuser rather than user, but it’s flexible.  I’ll just wait it out see what Obama’s radically new policies do.  They are totally unprecedented so no one knows what will happen, but he’s a shrewd man.  Let’s see how his plays out.

As a last resort, we can always just fuck the national debt over more.  If people were freaking when it was at 4 tril, I think it can handle a few more totally ridiculous additions before we have to start actively ignoring it.