Jones Octavian Victimized By Brutal Penis Accident

For those who haven’t heard the word ‘fap’ before (some haven’t) it is slang for masturbation.  Like with your genitals.   

So I began a fap session after a long, tiring day and decided to use some lube.  There wasn’t anything great on hand, but I found some conditioner that would fit the bill.  Sweet.  I whipped out Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus (called Augustus from this point on) and tried it out. It was fine, and might even be superior to lotion, the last bastion of teh improvised fap. The problem was it dried out FAST. A couple minutes fast. So I had to re-apply a couple of times.  The third time, disaster struck.  

The bottle had one of those little rocking clicky-valves so a little opening on one side would open and close with a solid and self-sealing click.  As I was closing it, I shifted in my seat and at this point, Augustus decided it would be a good time to reenact one of the Gaul Campaigns, which means he bobbed off in a totally unpredicted direction,  straight towards that closing maw of the bottle.  That little plastic fucker grabbed at part of my head and pinched it, then closed all the way. And it HURT, so reflex kicks in (damn those instincts) I moved the bottle as far away from poor Augustus as fast as possible…the squeamish should stop reading now.  

AND RIPPED AWAY A CHUNK OF MY HEAD WITH IT.  

YES, THE HEAD OF MY PENIS, THE PENIS GLANS.

 YES, BY CHUNK I MEAN I COULD SEE PART OF MY PENIS ATTACHED TO THE BOTTLE THAT WAS NO LONGER ATTACHED TO THE PENIS PROPER.  

For those that didn’t quite get it, or fainted the first time reading it, let me restate it:  

A chunk off the most pain receptive place in my entire body was ripped the fuck off.    

Let me give you a little visual insight into my thought process as this occurred:

1.

 

I think nothing else needs be said here.

2.

 

A penis wrapped in bandages, just like the ibrokemypenis guy.

3.

Surely Nic Cage can help me.

At this point my penis was, in fact, bleeding.  The bit of head skin that was visibly attached to the bottle was also bloody, and clearly absent from the head.  I thought to myself, “I’m sure Nic Cage has intentionally done way worse things to his penis for the sake of method acting. What would he do?”

From the back of my mind, his monotonic and hypnotic voice typical of more his recent (a.k.a. the shitty era) films droned out: “Wash it off and bandage it.”

Thanks Nic Cage, you’re the man.  I owe you one.

 

So the hole in the head wasn’t too large, similar in area to a hard drive jumper header if looked at vertically.  Curious about my prognosis, I looked online and discovered that the glans can totally heal in a matter of hours (don’t leave that piercing out too long!), which makes me question why evolution has withheld these penis powers from every other body part.  I can only conclude that be it nature or God, both are just as likely to draw a penises on everything as humanity is.

Surprisingly, the internet was telling the truth and it completely healed overnight.  Thank god.  However, a word to anyone with a penis:

Be EVER VIGILANT about your penis’ safety.  A mere zipper is all that stands between your second favorite thing in the universe and a harsh, penis-mutilating reality.

Tipping is NOT Bullshit

Here’s what REALLY goes on:

1.) I am suppose to declare all the tips that I made that night so the government can tax that.

2.) Add this up with also tipping out an expo, busboy, and bartender 10% of the tips you make.

3.) Getting paid minimum wage, and having to declare your tips/tipping out, ends in making NO money whatsoever.

4.) I calculated it out at work, and me claiming all my tips means that I actually OWE the restaurant money. Our shifts are about 4 hours and being paid for 4 hours worth of work at a rate of 8$, is not much money at all. Now subtract about 32 from the 80 and what do you get? You get debt.

I don’t declare all my tips, because if I did I would actually be in debt to the restaurant. And yes, good service is a must, but many company’s who pay their employees for giving good service, are paid more because they don’t make tips.

And working in a restaurant, you get a sense of who will actually tip you and who won’t. And I am sorry if I am being stereotypical, but it’s true that Mexicans, Asians, and Blacks, don’t seem to tip much. Now I understand with the Mexicans and Asians, because over in the Spain the tip is included with the bill. Always. In Asia, there are many places where it is rude to tip. And guess what? These waitresses at these restaurants DON’T give good service whatsoever. They just drop the food off and go back to watching the television that’s there.

As for the black community, I actually had a very nice black family the other night. And it’s a little strange that I didn’t post that before Jones posted his blog. And when this happens it makes me take a step back and take a deep breath and try to look at things in a brighter light. But the majority of the black community that come into our restaurant treat all of us like shit. They look down on all of us.

So I don’t understand where the cultural difference is for the black community. You would figure that they would tip just like the white community. Even ones who have plenty of money and will shell out over $100 dollars for their date, they don’t tip much at all. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to claim supremacy for the white community because we do get our share of people who are white that don’t tip. It just doesn’t happen as often. Rarely actually. If you walk back into a kitchen of a restaurant, and you listen to all the waiters and waitresses, you will hear that the majority of shitty tips comes from mainly non-white people. So it’s not just the experiences that I have had, it’s every single goddamn waiter. A few friends of mine are waiters and they agree. The first thing we ask each other is, “what was their ethnicity?”

And what’s worse about the situation, is that when they see you looking at the paid bill and the change they left you, they laugh. Because it’s normally about four dollars on an $80 bill. They think it’s funny that they are tipping you shit, even when you do get all the orders right, make really good conversation, make jokes, make them laugh, and they even take pictures with you. It baffles me.

But in all honesty, waiters and waitresses remember who gave them a shitty tip. Just keep this in mind when you DO give a shitty tip, unless they deserve it. And many of the times that I get a shitty tip, I DON’T deserve it.

And if you feel that you shouldn’t need to tip at all, then you can just go right back home and make yourself your own goddamn food. So stop coming in and complaining about things when you have the choice to go home and cook for yourself.