Is There Anything Better Than Saggy Titties?

I believe not.

I had thought about keeping the story to myself and three other people, but I decided that everyone else might get a kick out of it as well. Plus, Moore condemned me for telling him the story instead of blogging about it. So here it is folks. Enjoy.

Work on Sunday was one of the greatest days in my life. It was chaotic towards the end, but the first half hour I was in a state of pure bliss.

My first table was swooped up by another waiter and while he was greeting the customers I decided to reclaim them. I had a good feeling about this table. So I sauntered up and put my hand on his shoulder and told him along with the rest of the table, “So you’re schmoozing on my table I see?” The customers looked confused. Jeff, the waiter, then apologized and slipped back to his hole of failure. The ladies started to cheer. They approved my way of getting what is rightfully mine.

So I told them that it is a new day and era. They all laughed. Now, this isn’t a table of young folk or even middle aged. These fine people where past that. Past their prime, on their way to their deathbeds, but apparently going out in classy style.

So I started the table off with introducing myself and whatnot, the regular routine. I didn’t think that they would take so kindly to me and we started to have a battle of wits and sarcasm.

“So, Ho is your name is it? Well now I know who to talk about to the manager when the service is horrible. Unless you can get us out of the bill.”

“Well sir, maybe if you slip me something under the table, we can work things out. But let me inform you, if you do that, it will more than likely cost you more than the bill would.”

Laughter rose up and other customers stared at us. I think they were wishing that they had a waitress as fun as I. So the gentlemen asked how short was a short, and how tall was a tall when ordering a beer. I just replied that a short is too short. Needing to keep their masculinity, they all ordered talls. The women ordered Jungle Coladas, which is just a smoothie with maybe about 1-1 1/2 shots of Whalers dark rum. A light drink.

So the orders were in, and the drinks were set, and things were running smoothly. I walk back to the table about five minutes later to check on them. The elderly lady, (about 83), had already finished her tasty beverage. She was pretty drunk. I regret not asking her for her name. I checked to see if anyone needed refills, the men nodded and the women passed. The elderly lady wanted another one, but decided that if she had one more she’d be on the floor. So she started drinking someone else’s drink instead. Charming she is.

Then the most wonderful thing in restaurant history happened. I am still shocked and wonder to myself this very day if this even actually took place. But it did.

The elderly lady began to lift up her shirt and I thought that she was adjusting it. I was making small talk about what I wanted to do with my life, become a surgeon or become a pharmacist, and why I wanted to get into the medical field with some of the men. Then I turned to the others and BOOM.

It was like being bitch slapped in the face then being beaten with a pimp cane. Magnificent. It was totally magically and such a great experience.

She had flashed the table.

The table went up in a roar of laughter. I just stared. What do you do? It’s one of those moments where you tell yourself to look away and look away now, but you can’t. You’re body is completely motionless and silence falls all around you. You block out the sound that is all around you and your mind goes completely blank except for trying to regurgitate saggy titties. They all laughed and laughed and it was just a moment of heartfelt happiness. I loved it.

After the bill was paid, and the table was leaving, I held the door open for them like how I always do for customers I like. Some of the men told me about grandsons they think would be perfect for me. I replied with the kindest words I knew. They all hugged me and the women kissed me on the cheek biding me farewell and the best of luck to finding my biological mother. I hope they come back.